Shy Girl

Tessa, You are prepping for Kindergarten. Dad and I are reluctant to send you because you're so young for your grade. You have worked SO hard, independently, to show us you ARE ready. You are always busy coloring, drawing and asking me how to spell words. You want to show me how smart you are. We went to have you tested at Victor Falls and you proudly went back with a teacher to be tested. This isn't like you. You are EXTREMELY SHY. I was the same way. You never want me to leave you at school, you always need a long hug good bye and you are quick to give me one when I pick you up from preschool. Strangers say,"hello" and you just hide. You're fine and happy without me, but it is always hard for you to leave me. You are a Momma's girl through and through. But you sure do flirt with your Daddy. Today you said, "hey boyfriend" to him and then whispered, "don't tell Mom I said that." HA! You are also really starting to be a comedian. You're witty and sarcastic. You always make us laugh and love to be silly with us. You would never act like this with strangers and even need to warm up to family most times. We sure love seeing your silly, spunky side and hope someday  you share it with the world.

I love you more than you know, shy girl.

hugs&kisses,
"momma"

Special Person

You are in preschool now and are loving it. Your teacher pulls me aside occasionally to tell me how GOOD you are! What a dream! You are obedient but independent. You LOVE to color, craft and create. I am astonished that my THREE year old can color in the lines. You pay so much attention to detail. It's fun to see you learn and grow. You jump right in with your brothers and it's funny to see you try and do what they do - even if I know you're not at all interested. The other day you said, "Please can I watch a zombie movie??" I gave you the craziest look because I know you were just doing it to fit in with your brothers. You are all girl through and through. You play with your dolls for hours on end or serve us ice cream with your play parlor Grandma Miller got you. You are incredibly proud this week - because you are SPECIAL PERSON at preschool. This means you get to bring a snack to share and ring a bell in class.... so you're pretty much the coolest. I'm glad that you get to feel a little extra special at school this week. The truth is, You are special person every day at home. You are sure to put a smile on any of our faces. You hug your brothers so freely and always tell them you love them. Thanks for making us feel good. You are my little pal and love to tell me wonderful things and you especially love when Daddy and I kiss. ;) You get so silly. Thanks for always being our "Special Person."

hugs & kisses,

"mommy"

Oh, Tessa.

Oh, Tessa. You are so much fun as a two-year old. You have SO much personality and SASS. You love nursery class at church. All week long you talk about your "friends at chuuuuch." and your "sistahs at chuuuuch." (Sister Moore and Collette) You have terrible bangs right now because your brother CUT them. Bo was tired of your hair hanging in your eyes, so he sat you down and trimmed them off for you. His intentions were good. Daddy was MAD. Needless to say, they can't grow fast enough. You do the cutest summersaults I have ever seen. You start by putting your head down, then you kick one back leg up in the air with your toe pointed, like a little gymnast and flip over super fast. Your brothers love you so much.  You are a lucky little girl. They both run to you when you get hurt. I catch them with their arms around you or hugging you quite often. You are a definite Daddy's girl and he loves it. You only want him and snuggle him every chance you get.

Being a Mom is tiresome sometimes, but let me tell you; I have the best three kids a Mom could ask for. You are individually different but make my life so complete. Thanks for coming to me. I couldn't be happier.

hugs & kisses,
"mommy"

Birth Story

Your second birthday has me reminiscing about the day you were born. As you know, we have several August birthdays to celebrate. The year I was expecting you, my birthday was approaching... and so was your due date. (Actually, you and Lucas were both expected to come one August 28th.) Neither of you did which is good, because who would want to share a Birthday? On August 13th, Dad took me out to mexican food. It was soooo yummy. I couldn't finish my food though because I was so uncomfortable. My stomach was cramping and I had such bad contractions throughout dinner, that I thought you were going to come right then and there. I remember not being able to get up from the table because I hurt so bad. When I made it to the car, the contractions increased. We rushed to the hospital thinking this would be it. You and I would share a birthday! They checked me in right away and of course, contractions stopped. They gave me the option to stay, but I decided to go home and wait for things to get going again. 2 days passed and I went on with my busy little life, cutting hair. On August 15th, I took 2 hair clients, all the while having contractions. Lucky for me, my last one was a labor and delivery nurse! Just in case you decided to come, I was prepared with the right client. She listened as I told her I had been having contractions. She suggested I go in. Tammy just happened to swing by the house for one of her kids to use the restroom, so when she stopped and saw that I had been cutting hair and having contractions, she ordered me to go in! So, she took the boys off my hands and I headed to the Hospital. I brought with me Daddy and Grandma. At first, the nurses suggested I go for a walk for an hour around the hospital because I didn't look quite ready. Jimmy heard this and ran to grab himself some dinner, thinking it would be a while. Grandma and I walked the hospital for about 10 minutes before I couldn't move any longer. I was in SO much pain. Worse than any other delivery. Oh my goodness, it hurt. I was planning to have you without drugs, but never did I expect the pain to come on so hard and fast. I walked right back to the check in desk and said, "I can't walk anymore. I need a room and I need drugs. Now." This is not a nice way to talk. But I didn't care at all. I have never, ever felt this kind of discomfort and PAIN! Dr. Oxford came in to see me. She ordered me to have the epidural to control my pain and suggested I take a nap. I remember thinking - there is NO WAY I'm taking a nap when I hurt this bad. There is a baby coming. And sure enough, she was paged shortly after I got my drugs. You were headed into this world! Grandma Miller and Grandma Fagan were both there as well as Ashli and Daddy. Ashli took photos of you taking your first breath, and supported me through the delivery. Daddy was so excited and as soon as you came out, we had to think of a name! Oh the pressure! I had dreamed a very profound dream that I had you, and your name was Cora Lee. Daddy and I really liked Tessa too so this was a very hard choice. I felt my Dad's presence much of my pregnancy with you and I miss him terribly still. So I knew you needed to have Lee as a middle name. And here you are, Tessa Lee Miller. You were the most beautiful baby girl. Perfect skin and just a little fuzz of hair. I was so happy to have my little girl! The first night in the hospital was blissful! You and I slept 8 hours!!! That is unheard of for a newborn. The nurses came in and told me to wake up and feed you! You have been a wonderful sleeper ever since then. You love your crib to this day and would take your own bed over snuggling me or Daddy any day. You like your space. I love watching your sweet personality unfold and am so blessed to have you in my life, Miss Tessa Lee!

hugs & kisses,
"mommy"

TESS the MESS

Oh my sweet, sweet Tessa! You are one busy little bee. We have nick-named you "Tess the Mess." You were walking around the time of your Birthday and it seems as though you haven't stopped. :) You are independent, a lot like Lucas - but you are cautious and careful not to leave my side like Bo was. You are talking really well and learning more every day. Your hair is getting longer and it is SO fun making you pretty. You love to get ready and today we got your shoes on, but you had to run back in to grab your PURSE! (You are ONE). This is so fun!! You are a Mother's dream. I paint your toes and you get so excited every time you see them. "Toes!!" "Pitty!" You love bath time and let your Daddy or I blow dry your hair. You think your Brothers are hilarious and will do anything for them. You climb right up on the couch and sit in between them or right on top of them. They usually don't mind. They love teaching you new tricks and helping you throughout the day.

Some of your latest words are:
Momma
Dadda
Bo Bo
Ga gus (Lucas)
Pitty (Pretty)
toes
eyes
belly
"a go!" (Let's go)
diii (drink)
bite
a gone (all gone)
buh bye
hewow (hello)
amen
doggy
birdy
airplane
uh uh - (no - but this is also your yes with the cutest head nod ever) :)

We love you so much and I think you know it. You are so very special to us. We know you are going to do great things.

hugs & kisses,
"Momma"

Just a Silly Dream

I was a Mother to two handsome, wild little boys. I worked two jobs and busied myself practicing new talents, serving as Relief Society Enrichment Leader. I encouraged and continue to support my Husband in his callings and in his quest to one day become a Dentist. (still crossing our fingers) I was content with life. We lived with Grandma Fagan who recently lost her husband, your Grandpa Fagan as well as my sister, Kristi and her family. This totals 12 people under one roof. The thought of adding to our family at this time was out of the question, as there is no room in this house for another person. 

2013 was a rough year. I celebrated New Years with our family and extended family in Coeur d 'Alene, Idaho. Grandpa Fagan had been sick, but insisted he go on this road trip. Little did we know, this would be the last holiday season we shared with him. On January 10, 2013, my Dad passed away. It has been the hardest thing I've been through. Having this be the start to a new year, we thought, "How could things possibly get worse?" I have since learned to never, EVER ask that question, because through the course of this year... things did get harder, including a terrible case of Pneumonia with Lucas along with several other hardships. Having more family move in proved to be difficult as well. As 2014 approached, I wondered what lie in store for our family. Maybe Dad would get accepted to a dental school, or we could have a chance to move out with a new career opportunity. On the very last day of the year, (New Year's Eve) Heavenly Father made it clear to me that while life is difficult, he has a plan.

I am a dreamer. And when I dream, there is usually meaning. I don't dream of flying, or saving the world. I don't have nightmares. I have spiritual dreams. Dreams with distinct meaning and impact, usually with great importance to my life. On this specific night, I had a dream. It was short, but unforgettable. I dreamed that I had a baby girl. I drove myself to and from the hospital. I named her Cora Lee Miller. This name was after Jimmy's Grandma, Cora Miller and my Father, Gerald Lee Fagan. I drove home and told everyone the news of my new, beautiful baby girl. She had dark hair. That was it. That was my dream. I woke up the next morning and thought this dream was so silly. That maybe we were meant to have another baby, but surely we could plan this in our own time. There was a spirit ready to come to our family. I told Jimmy. We laughed at the thought of having possibly THIRTEEN people living under one roof. We went on with our day agreeing that even the thought of this was just silly. Maybe someday, but not now. The Lord had other plans for us. 

The very next night, I woke up at 4am from a deep and comfortable sleep. I don't do this. I don't wake up for anything, in fact I usually sleep through my kids waking up at night. I woke up and immediately had the strongest impression. Someone wanted me to know that "I was going to have a baby." I felt it. I knew it. I cried at the overwhelming feeling of the holy ghost. I read my scriptures. I couldn't go back to sleep. The next morning, I still felt it. I shared my experience with Jimmy again. We laughed. Again. I tried to shake this off. I finally agreed. "OK, Heavenly Father. We will consider having a baby." I thought maybe I could ponder more on the matter and as a Husband and Wife, we could plan this. 

This experience was eating me up. The more I tried to forget about it, the more I thought of it. I decided maybe to clear my head, I should take a pregnancy test. After all, I knew I wasn't and at least I could get on with my day. I quickly took the test, not even watching for a result - ready to clear my head of this crazy idea of adding to our family. POSITIVE. "What? No. How? REALLY? It can't be. HUH?? This wasn't in our plans... I can't right now. I'm busy. Something went wrong with this test. I am going to be a maid of honor in 7 months. MAID OF HONOR. I have a dress. An expensive one. It won't fit me! WHO's idea was this?!" After I wiped the sweat off my brow, I decided I should probably leave the bathroom. "But then what? What will I tell Jimmy? What will I tell the other SEVERAL members of this household? Maybe I shouldn't leave this bathroom." I had tears. I was confused. This is such a HUGE thing to be surprised by. I was completely beside myself. Still unsure how this happened, I decided I need to talk to Jimmy. He was at work. I was home with the boys. I couldn't call him and tell him. I drove down and took him to lunch. We chose mexican. We ordered and sat. Boden decided to be particularly antsy in the restaurant which added to my argument that I can't handle more children right now. I didn't know how to bring it up without letting the boys hear, so I sent Jimmy a text of the pregnancy test results from across the table. Conveniently, Boden proved of our poor parenting and splashed in the restaurant fountain. The color immediately left Jimmy's face. Shock. Neither of us could eat our food. We sat and stared blankly at one another. This was only the beginning of our lives as Parents to a girl. After all, I knew you were coming. I didn't need a test to know. I guess I just needed proof of what the Lord was trying to tell me. The year 2013 wasn't so bad after all. I know my Dad had a hand in this. Maybe he was even coaching you to prepare you for this life. 

I was spiritually impressed to take a test. After not even considering another child at the moment. There have been many times in my life where the Lord has shown me light, answers, little windows into heaven that prove to me, time and time again, that THIS gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows my needs better than I do. Sometimes I don't understand. I didn't understand why Heavenly Father needed you here at the time. I selfishly thought of all these other worldly obstacles that lie ahead instead of recognizing this great and marvelous blessing. What a miracle the gift of life is, and I was creating it.  You were on your way. Eventually, when your Dad and I could form complete sentences and overcome our shock, we smiled. Our insides still trembled and we had great hope that we could give you what you deserve in this life, but you, YOU are supposed to be here. With us. Experiencing this life at this very time on earth. I couldn't ask for a greater blessing than to be a Mother. It is a divine responsibility and there's no surprise that I found out that my calling as a Mom would be extended to one more little spirit in the way that I did. Heavenly Father loves me. He loves you. You need to be here. So he sent you. I guess I could have summed it up in those few words, but you need to know of your divine nature. That you existed before you came to earth. That your spirit needed to gain a body. You have a purpose here. You are going to make a difference. I know it. I can't wait to see what's in store for you and what great accomplishments you will achieve. I love you already and am humbled by this opportunity to call you mine. 

hugs & kisses,

"mommy"