2013 was a rough year. I celebrated New Years with our family and extended family in Coeur d 'Alene, Idaho. Grandpa Fagan had been sick, but insisted he go on this road trip. Little did we know, this would be the last holiday season we shared with him. On January 10, 2013, my Dad passed away. It has been the hardest thing I've been through. Having this be the start to a new year, we thought, "How could things possibly get worse?" I have since learned to never, EVER ask that question, because through the course of this year... things did get harder, including a terrible case of Pneumonia with Lucas along with several other hardships. Having more family move in proved to be difficult as well. As 2014 approached, I wondered what lie in store for our family. Maybe Dad would get accepted to a dental school, or we could have a chance to move out with a new career opportunity. On the very last day of the year, (New Year's Eve) Heavenly Father made it clear to me that while life is difficult, he has a plan.
I am a dreamer. And when I dream, there is usually meaning. I don't dream of flying, or saving the world. I don't have nightmares. I have spiritual dreams. Dreams with distinct meaning and impact, usually with great importance to my life. On this specific night, I had a dream. It was short, but unforgettable. I dreamed that I had a baby girl. I drove myself to and from the hospital. I named her Cora Lee Miller. This name was after Jimmy's Grandma, Cora Miller and my Father, Gerald Lee Fagan. I drove home and told everyone the news of my new, beautiful baby girl. She had dark hair. That was it. That was my dream. I woke up the next morning and thought this dream was so silly. That maybe we were meant to have another baby, but surely we could plan this in our own time. There was a spirit ready to come to our family. I told Jimmy. We laughed at the thought of having possibly THIRTEEN people living under one roof. We went on with our day agreeing that even the thought of this was just silly. Maybe someday, but not now. The Lord had other plans for us.
The very next night, I woke up at 4am from a deep and comfortable sleep. I don't do this. I don't wake up for anything, in fact I usually sleep through my kids waking up at night. I woke up and immediately had the strongest impression. Someone wanted me to know that "I was going to have a baby." I felt it. I knew it. I cried at the overwhelming feeling of the holy ghost. I read my scriptures. I couldn't go back to sleep. The next morning, I still felt it. I shared my experience with Jimmy again. We laughed. Again. I tried to shake this off. I finally agreed. "OK, Heavenly Father. We will consider having a baby." I thought maybe I could ponder more on the matter and as a Husband and Wife, we could plan this.
This experience was eating me up. The more I tried to forget about it, the more I thought of it. I decided maybe to clear my head, I should take a pregnancy test. After all, I knew I wasn't and at least I could get on with my day. I quickly took the test, not even watching for a result - ready to clear my head of this crazy idea of adding to our family. POSITIVE. "What? No. How? REALLY? It can't be. HUH?? This wasn't in our plans... I can't right now. I'm busy. Something went wrong with this test. I am going to be a maid of honor in 7 months. MAID OF HONOR. I have a dress. An expensive one. It won't fit me! WHO's idea was this?!" After I wiped the sweat off my brow, I decided I should probably leave the bathroom. "But then what? What will I tell Jimmy? What will I tell the other SEVERAL members of this household? Maybe I shouldn't leave this bathroom." I had tears. I was confused. This is such a HUGE thing to be surprised by. I was completely beside myself. Still unsure how this happened, I decided I need to talk to Jimmy. He was at work. I was home with the boys. I couldn't call him and tell him. I drove down and took him to lunch. We chose mexican. We ordered and sat. Boden decided to be particularly antsy in the restaurant which added to my argument that I can't handle more children right now. I didn't know how to bring it up without letting the boys hear, so I sent Jimmy a text of the pregnancy test results from across the table. Conveniently, Boden proved of our poor parenting and splashed in the restaurant fountain. The color immediately left Jimmy's face. Shock. Neither of us could eat our food. We sat and stared blankly at one another. This was only the beginning of our lives as Parents to a girl. After all, I knew you were coming. I didn't need a test to know. I guess I just needed proof of what the Lord was trying to tell me. The year 2013 wasn't so bad after all. I know my Dad had a hand in this. Maybe he was even coaching you to prepare you for this life.
I was spiritually impressed to take a test. After not even considering another child at the moment. There have been many times in my life where the Lord has shown me light, answers, little windows into heaven that prove to me, time and time again, that THIS gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows my needs better than I do. Sometimes I don't understand. I didn't understand why Heavenly Father needed you here at the time. I selfishly thought of all these other worldly obstacles that lie ahead instead of recognizing this great and marvelous blessing. What a miracle the gift of life is, and I was creating it. You were on your way. Eventually, when your Dad and I could form complete sentences and overcome our shock, we smiled. Our insides still trembled and we had great hope that we could give you what you deserve in this life, but you, YOU are supposed to be here. With us. Experiencing this life at this very time on earth. I couldn't ask for a greater blessing than to be a Mother. It is a divine responsibility and there's no surprise that I found out that my calling as a Mom would be extended to one more little spirit in the way that I did. Heavenly Father loves me. He loves you. You need to be here. So he sent you. I guess I could have summed it up in those few words, but you need to know of your divine nature. That you existed before you came to earth. That your spirit needed to gain a body. You have a purpose here. You are going to make a difference. I know it. I can't wait to see what's in store for you and what great accomplishments you will achieve. I love you already and am humbled by this opportunity to call you mine.
hugs & kisses,
"mommy"
